[Ep. 15] The Top 10 Worst Films of 2013

2013 SUCKED for films! And here's 10 reasons why!

2013 was more chuck full of flops, critical bombs, overhyped, underwhelming, unnecessary sequels, boring, disappointing, over-produced, oversaturated, shitty films! There were so many terrible films, that I was actually overwhelmed with choices for the bottom 10 this year; and what other better time to cover these ten abominations than in the abysmal month of January- it's almost like a match made in heaven!

Like in the last list, pleas keep THIS disclaimer in mind...

... yeah. This  is a film that I had no expectations for, but even though I didn't what to expect, I was NOT prepared for this.

Like I said, I didn't know what to expect from a film like this, but I didn't expect it to be this dull. It's essentially a prettier version of Delgo... yeah... let that sink in.

I think the title is a big part of the problem- how can you have a movie called Epic, and then have it be nothing but a Cliche Thunderstorm? First of all, the film is an hour and 42 minutes long- epics are generally MUCH longer than that- just look at Lawrence of Arabia or Heaven's Gate, both of which nearly push the 4 hour limit. There's nothing for the audience to find epic about this film- a battle in the rainforest within two tiny groups of people? It's like a miniature version of Avatar... which I'm going to assume is the films main inspiration, though only in an aesthetic sense, though writing-wise, they're both incredibly similar. Does Epic come from the fact that it's the main character who's going on an epic adventure? At no point does the movie fill her- or the audience, for that matter- with any feeling of "epic adventure".

Ooh! I get it! Maybe they called it Epic because it's a word all the kids are sing.

Epic this, epic that.

It's SUCH an overused word, most people don't seem to know where it originally came from.

But aside from the title, the characters are a big problem. M. K. is uninteresting- she's a cookie-cutter protagonist who could have just as well been replaced by cardboard. The "bad boy" Nod, is an idiot who doesn't follow orders. The slugs... ugh, the slugs... I normally like Aziz Ansari, but this is something that I'm sick of- the wiseass sidekicks. And while neither one of the slugs are necessarily wiseasses, they're just characters who were clearly created only to be given funny voices, rather than some actually well-written jokes to actually say; because 90% of their dialogue has just them talking about... being slugs.

The villains are a joke. Normally in films like these, you'd at least expect the villain to be interesting, or at least somewhat memorable, but he's not- Mandrake is never intimidating enough to be sinister, and he's never over-the-top enough to be funny. Christoph Waltz seems to be straddling the line of being both sinister AND a total ham, but he never gets either one across properly, so what you get is a villain who's just there.

Ronin (Colin Farrell) is the only character who's even halfway interesting, and he's only in the movie about 40% of the time. He has the best motivation out of all the characters, and I like that he's not a walking cliche; I like that he's not just "the stern general", he has some levity to him, and cracks a joke every now and again. He's not afraid to lighten up, even though he has this gigantic task riding on HIS shoulder, and the two dumbass kids he must protect. But, NOPE! He ain't the focus.

This is a film that I honestly forgot hours after I'd seen it. I felt a bit pissed because I could have REALLY been doing something else instead of nodding off for almost 2 hours.

Yes, let's have a short remembrance of the already-forgotten sequel, to the unforgettable 1974 classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And the reason why I called this "the second film in the series" is a reference to the fact that canonically this is the TRUE sequel to the otiginal Texas Chainsaw film... and ohh, what a GRAVE mistake that was.

Taking place 40 years after the incidents of the first film, Heather Miller (played by Alexandria Daddario) is traveling all throughout Texas with her boyfriend to collect an inheritance with her boyfriend, the douchebaggish and sluggish Ryan (Tremaine "Trey Songz" Neverson), though unbeknownst to them, there's a special surprise waiting for them in the basement, in the form of Leatherface (Dan Yeager).

And most of the film are douchebag parties, with douchebag teenagers, with douchebag Leatherfac- oh, no! Wait a minute! Leatherface isn't evil... he's just misunderstood, according to the movie, and we should sympathize with a murderous redneck who's fucked-up in the head. 

And yes, the film ACTUALLY takes place 40 years after the events of the film. The film tries to convince the audience into thinking that the film actually takes place in the 1990s, but somebody fucked up big time because at one point we CLEARLY see a tombstone that tells us that the film is set in 2012. This would mean that Heather would have to be at least 40 years old! Not only that but we have camera-phones, which were CLEARLY nowhere to be seen in 90s, as well as the fact that Trey Songz and his music is ACTUALLY played in the movie... how anybody can fuck up something as simple as the DATE the film takes place during, then you know this film is in trouble.

Even worse, the characters reek of douchebag- they're absolutely unlikable, stupid, clumsy and the only thing you look forward to with these teenagers are their timely deaths, which are totally unimpressive. This film is... cute before it's even remotely scary! Because we get a sequence of Leatherface fucking around in a carnival, where instead of killing anybody, he's stumbling around to the point where you think he's trying to ride on the Crazy Teacups.

Just... how did this film even happen? The saddest thing is that Toby Hooper himself actually approved this as the true sequel to his original film... that is heartbreaking. I don't know who many pounds of pure gold the producers of Platinum Dunes delivered to Hooper, but the fact that he thinks that this film is a much better representation of his franchise than the okay 2003 remake of the original, has really made me lose hope in this franchise. You thought horror films were bad a year ago? None of them tried anything as dochey as this.

... did Leatherface himself direct this trainwreck?!

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... GODDAMMIT, SHAYMALAN!

This is the FOURTH film that follows on the road that M. Night Shaymalan has more than definitely become one of the least liked, most incompetent directors living right now; which is sad considering how many doors The Sixth Sense opened up for the young director, but after the incomprehensible Signs, the pretentious Lady in the Water, the baffling hilarious The Happening, the absolutely disastrous The Last Airbender, it's clear that whatever promise he had has been completely used up, and if The Happening didn't already put a dent in his career, the 2010 critical bomb The Last Airbender absolutely RUINED it; ruined it to the point of this being the first film directed by him that absolutely downplays his name in the trailers. And yet... he still managed to create a total turkey.

A military father (Will Smith) and his teenage son (Jaden Smith), crash-land on planet Earth, 1000 years after being abandoned. Now, Will is dying, and Jaden must trek across the planet to find a rescue beacon to save his dying father.

Everybody has pretty much exhausted their main problem with the film- it's dull as dishwater. It's definitely true, but the problem extends farther than just being dull. While this film advertises the film as Will and Jaden's adventure, but they're separated for the majority of the film- we hardly see Will, leaving Jaden as the leading man of the film. The dull tone of the movie is not the main problem- though it certainly doesn't help- the BIGGEST problem is that Jaden Smith is so AWFUL in this film! Jaden Smith has NOT had enough training in film on his own to carry an epic like this! He's been in The Pursuit of Happyness (where not him and Will co-starred for the first time), the horrible remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still, the remake of The Karate Kid, but in NONE of those films he's proved he's had the acting prowess to carry a film on his own shoulders, and THIS film proves it.

This reeks of nepotism to me. While, in a way, I can find it admirable that Will Smith wants his son to shoot to superstardom to the same level that he is, Jaden just can't do it- he's neither talented enough nor charismatic enough, not to mention he's inexperienced- how the hell is Jaden going to react properly to a CG creature that's not actually there?

That's another thing- the CGI is pretty bad in this film. First, Jaden's acting makes it obvious that he's interacting with a creature that isn't actually there. The CG has a strange grainy quality to it that REALLY makes it stand out. Also, did they take those horribly-rendered saber-toothed tigers from ANOTHER dull-as-shit epic, 10,000 BC?

Will Smith, I like you, but you CAN'T push your son on us like this- and this film is enough evidence why. Maybe you should just let Jaden go to school like a regular, kid. THEN he might actually learn a thing or two about acting. And Shaymalan? Just GO AWAY.

Box office bombs attacked in full force this year- what with films like The Lone Ranger costing Disney over $200 million, and Jack the Giant Slayer suffering from an overblown production budget. Some films, like Turbo also manged to be disappointment to Dreamwroks Animation, but seeing as it was competing against Despicable Me 2, it's... hard to be surprised. However, while not labeled a bomb, it had one factor in common with ANOTHER box office disaster.

Are any of you guys familiar with the name... Ryan Reynolds?

Yes... this is the movie that everybody was excited about, then quickly left the theaters as if their pants were on fire. Actually, no. NOBODY was excited about this because this film opened up at a very, very, VERY pathetic #7 on its opening weekend, behind the aforementioned Despicable Me 2 and Turbo, as well as the FAR superior visual effects spectacle, Pacific Rim.

The story is about this police organization full of dead police officers from previous decades who are going after bad guys- who are dead as well- in the physical world, before they unleash chaos on the living. On the surface, this film sounds a lot like Men in Black only with ghosts instead of aliens... and it sounds COOL! But the movie is SO much worse then you might even imagine.

Everybody in this film tries to ham up their performances, though none of the actors are given anything actually funny to say. The only one who's even mildly entertaining is Jeff Bridges, who EASILY looks like is having the most fun. The sad thing is that most of the jokes have the potential to be funny, but it seems that everybody involved forgot how to write a punchline.

The other big problem with the film are the special effects. By 2013, it's very hard for a big budget film to be released without it looking like pure eye candy- there's NO $100 million dollar film released that doesn't look good- you gotta go out of your way to make your film look like shit, but this film has special effects SO bad, you'd think they came from 2005 or EARLIER!

Some people have been trying to pinpoint the reason as to why Ryan Reynold's films tend to underperform at the box office, despite the fact that the general public- myself included- generally like Ryan Reynolds. He's charming, funny, a good actor; so WHY do his films bomb so badly? Between this and Green Lantern it seems that Ryan Reynolds can't catch a break- even though he gets nothing BUT breaks. His indie works tend to turn into success, both financially and critically- such as 2010's Buried. DespiteX-Men Origins: Wolverine being labelled as a massive turd by everybody with taste, Ryan Reynolds received praise as a possible choice for Deadpool, despite having his mouth sewn shut. So... what IS the problem?

As much as I want to say the reason why he seems to be unpopular, is because he stars in terrible movies... but, no... because Turbo recieved generally positive reviews, and THAT still managed to be one of Dreamwork's Animation lowest-grossing films. So... what IS the deal? I... I just don't get it.

The only thin I DO get, is that this film is garbage- an utter and complete waste of potential, and I'm GLAD it became one of the biggest bombs ever. Well deserved.

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...well, speak of the devil.

Ah, yes... the Scary Movie film franchise has half-stumbled as an old corpse that is trying to be a zombie, but doesn't understand HOW to be a zombie. We're talking about a film series that was dead by 2006, yet 7 years later, we get a sequel nobody asked for, to the sequel that nobody asked for.

I don't think there's even a point in describing a plot... since it's just Scary Movie we're talking about, and it treats "plot" like somebody with Anaphylaxis reacts to peanuts. This movie's main "plot" is a parody of Mama, combined with other bizarre pop culture icons, at the time, such as 50 Shades of Grey and... Madea, of Tyler Perry fame. These nonsensical references are not unusual in Scary Movie... movies, since it's one of the core foundations of their jokes, in that they need to not only make fun of horror movies but any pop culture icons that are relevant to the time; something that wasn't actually true in the original Scary Movie, which ONLY made fun of horror movies and horror movie tropes... essentially a dumbed-down version of Scream, until the vastly superior Cabin the Woods put all those movies to shame, in 2012, by simultaneously making fun of the audience AND the recurring tropes in terrible horror films... and yet it wasn't a box office smash. But this series managed to stay afloat due to the fact that they're cheap gags, with short-lived relevancy that only extends for as long as in the theaters, and will no longer be relevant by the time it reaches DVD.

They suffer from the same thing that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's films suffer from- stale pop-culture references with an earmarked expiration date; though that's FAR from their only problem. And Scary Movie 5 comes to the bottom of Friedberg and Seltzer's writing barrel, that it MIGHT as well have been made by the two of them, but this is just sad- just look at the people starring in this film: Ashley Tisdale, Terry Crews, Lindsay Lohan, and the KING of all wash-ups: Charliee Sheen! How... fucking... sad. And guess what? They suck. No surprise there.

The jokes are as stale and dated as you can imagine- only one or two jokes actually sound like they had some thought put into them. And that is SO not worth the price of a rental, let alone the price of admission.

"Who CARES about the actors so long as the jokes are funny" is what people who defend this awful piece of drek will say, or WOULD say had anybody actually gone out to see this film, but the general audience showed little to absolutely no interest. This film is both the lowest-grossing and lowset-critically scored film of the entire franchise- and deservedly so; the very SAME shit has been released straight to DVD and yet THIS film gets the theatrical release, even though it's JUST as bad, if not worse than all those other films.

Okay, Selena Gomez, you're officially on the "Shit List".

It's not often that you get a film that actually informs about what action you, the audience need to do in regards of the film. Seriously, that title is not just the title of the film- it's a WARNING.

This film is about Ethan Hawke trying to get his wife back from a kidnapper who orders him to run over people with a racecar Death Race 2000-style; Hawke is aided by a crackerjack mechnical genius, called, the Kid (Selena Gomez), who helped her build an armored car so they can drive and commit crimes.

This film is nothing but an incredibly long car chase following these two actors running over innocent people so Ethan Hawke can try to get his wife and children back. While it's admirable that he wants to rescue his family, at NO point does he ever question the idea that killing all of these innocent pedestrians might matter. Not even the Police care that so many innocent people had died.

Ethan Hawke is sleepwalking throughout this entire film- which is sad, considering how incredible he was in 2012's The Impossible, here... he's just bored. He could have been played by ANYBODY. And Selena Gomez is UNBEARBLE- she whines, whines, whines, and is straight-up obnoxious throughout the whole film.

Then there's the villain- who even though the film is trying to hide like it's an incoming twist, it's pretty OBVIOUS who the antagonist is, and once you see him, you feel nothing.

This film was one of 2013's many forgettable bombs. I seriously don't think this'll cause a dent in any of the actors' careers, because this film was COMPLETELY forgotten days after it came out... only to be remembered by people like me, to jot it down on their "Worst of 2013".

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... STEPHENIE MEYERS!

Stephenie Meyers hated film, literature, romance, human interaction, the English language and YOU. The thing that I DESPISE about Stephenie Meyers is that she has this idea that she can absolutely write whatever the fuck she wants, print the text on a block of papers, and call it "literature" for those poor sap teenage girls who are just hungry for romance, but too nervous or insecure enough to try it on an actual boy if they're not pretty or Emo enough, andThe Host might as well be a straight-up middle finger to those who watch this film, because this film is clearly marketed towards people who hate science fiction... so women? All women hate science fiction, then?

Smooth move, Meyers! You've just alienated the ONLY market who is willing to buy your crap.

This film about aliens from outer space coming to invade humanity by stealing their bodies and using them as vessels, while draining them off their emotion, is in and of itself a movie with not only no emotion- it's film that has NOTHING! No character, no special effects, no interesting romance, terrible music, and the dialogue isn't even laughable enough to get regular movie-goers going through this 2 Hour snooze-fest!

Stephennie Meyer's brain needs to be digested in a lab somewhere, just so we can understand how the hell she thinks teenage romance works. And if there's any justice in this world, it will be revealed to the world that Meyers herself is an alien that has invaded the planet to try to understand how humanity works by stalking teenagers, but has not idea how romance WORKS. She doesn't understand romance, good dialogue, or just entertaining.

The Host is MUCH worse than Twilight- it's not just boring, it's INSULTING- it's proof that people would literally put no effort on their products and sell them on the giant screen to the poor suckers who are sold on sheer brand name recognition. Though thankfully, this film was a MASSIVE bomb.

This means... that Stephenie Meyer's empire may have FINALLY collapsed; and that's the ONLY thing that I appreciate about this"film".

Yes... there's ONE more film... one worse than The Host. Some of you might be wondering: "What?" or "How?" if I gave The Host no points whatsoever, and it's the FIRST 0% I've given in ANY of my reviews. But yes, there IS one film that's worse... Oh, God, it's SO much worse than you can even imagine... but before I tell you what it is... there's something I need to tell you guys, just so you can understand why this is not only a film I hate... it's a film that I wholeheartedly DESPISE and I've never, ever, EVER felt about a film like this before.

I've seen some truly, horrible, horrible, HORRBILE films throughout the years- I'm fact, I'm going to list down some of the more recent ones.

2007: I Know Who Killed Me: Lindsay Lohan's pretentious murder film that has about as much subtlety as a jackhammer to the skull.

2008: Disaster Movie/Meet the Spartans: Friedberg and Seltzer. NEED I SAY MORE?

2009: Old Dogs: Travolta and Williams humiliating themselves for a whole lotta zeroes.

2010: The Last Airbender: The WORST adaptation ever made. This film build the coffin, while After Earth hammered all the nails for Shaymalan's directing career.

2011: Jack and Jill: Adam Sandler's lazy, gross cash-in of a "comedy".

2012: Breaking Danw- Part 2: I just need to reiterate that Stephenie Meyers is FUCKING awful.

And there's a WHOLE sea of other movies that I absolutely despise: Norbit, Son of the Mask, Pinocchio (2002), Epic Movie, The Love Guru, Felix the Cat, Sucker Punch, Chernobyl Diaries- just to name a FEW. I could probably go on ALL day forming a list of movies that I absolutely hate, but NO film that has brought me as much ire, as much venomous hatred as this film has... and as hatred of that intensity USUALLY goes to Friedberg and Seltzer, the worst "directors" and "writers" in the entertainment industry, even THEY couldn't make a movie that I've hated as much as THIS one.

I am NOT exaggerating when I say that releasing a film canister with no reel inside of it would have been LESS of a mistake, because EVERYBODY- and I do mean EVERYBODY- who put their name on this "film" has gone a letter down on the actor list, and my expectations for them have sunk.

This is NOT a film- it's pure, fabricated, congealed failure, disguised as a reel. Even though this film HAS a rating, I only gave it the rating that it did for shits and giggles- there are NO numbers able to express my hatred for this obscene, offensive, ugly piece of... I'm not going to call it a movie; I refuse. Though as much as I don't want to call it a movie, I have no choice but to do so because it's PART OF THE FUCKING NAME!

There is so much wrong with this film, that a short description isn't enough. This is a film about an insane screenwriter (Dennis Quaid) trying to pitch an idea to an executive film producer (Greg Kinnear) which includes 12 different sketched that make up the bulk of the film, because whatever happens in this framing device means nothing.

The film is so proud of its sheer vulgarity- which are just fucking stupid jokes that EVEN 13-year-olds would be too mature to make- that it forgot to be funny. I'm sorry, it didn't forget- it didn't even TRY! The sketches get progressively more, vulgar, bizarre, and it's absolutely horrible to watch. I cringed so much in the theater that I a film ref came by and asked my if I had a stomachache. Cringe-worthy doesn't even BEGIN to describe how hard to watch this film is!

There's no way I can do justice to how horrible this film is in this short description- even in a long review there's no WAY for you guys to understand about how ATROCIOUS this film is without actually without actually watching it yourself.

I don't EVER do this.. but people, please... whatever you do:

If you find a copy on this film- DESTROY IT ON SIGHT! The world will be a happier place once this film is gone from this Earth.

This is NOT a film for people- not for the average movie watcher. There's NOBODY on this planet who even remotely likes this film, and if there IS- I'm going to fight them on the side of the street! And YES- I understand that's all a matter of opinion, and I'm normally very, very respectful of differing opinions, but no... if you like this film, you're wrong. You're an asshole, and the planet will be a much nicer place once you're gone.

Ugh... 2013... finally over... let's pray for the best for 2014...

... we have films like I, Frankenstein and The Nut Job to deal with, huh?

I have no hopes for this year. I'm done. Good night.

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